It's Not Hard For Me to Love You.

Things are moving forward.
Starting my yoga teacher training in February, teaching a class every week...
Looking into my hollistic health degree.

Really, really excited.
I think.

I mean, yes, in theory, I am super excited. But. There are things that aren't going smoothly. Besides the family drama over the past two weeks, which there has been an ample amount of, I'm super stressed at work, and I'm not getting good attendance at my classes. It's difficult for me to admit that, because I feel like I've failed something, but I know mostly it's just a matter of getting the word out, and the confidence up. The audience I'm targeting is mainly the high school crowd, and I know that it's hard for a lot of high schoolers to step into something new that they know nothing about. But getting into the school itself has it's own set of complications. So I'm kind of at a stand still. And I'd love to just push myself all over the place promoting it, but there's the issue of working like 50 hours a week. Which is important because I need to pay for my yoga teacher training and school, and the only way to do that is work as hard as I can.

So.

It's frustrating. I wish I could just step out of my work and give myself completely to this life. And I know that time will come. And I understand the whole "this is the real world, and things aren't that easy". Everybody with a dream has this problem. I get it. I'm just voicing some of my specific annoyances.

I should be able to just breathe into the situation and let it happen, because it WILL happen. But the attendance at my classes is bumming me out.

I read an article in yoga journal (shityogissay?) about the internal essence of self vs. the parts of you that change, and how it's okay to be emotional about the external parts of you in either direction, but that you need to stay connected to that steady part of you to stay sane. And as I write this I'm thinking there's a lesson in that. The external parts right now are wearing me down, but the internal parts are staying the same. I will get where I'm going. I need to connect more with the inside and let it happen. Let the present exist, and be confident in the future.

What can I say?

"Simple truths and circumstance, things that aren't about romance. Wherever I go, this still feels like home to me now."

Ron Pope gets me through nights like tonight.

Anyway, I did Kai Chi Do tonight. It was beautiful. (Go figure.)
It's such a nice feeling to take that first fire breath and to know that I have everything I need right there, in that moment. Pure, simple, complete happiness. No matter what my day was like.

It's so empowering to know I can find that with just one breath.

But here's the issue. When I do Kai Chi Do, my mind is flooded with things I want to say. This I want to feel, to whisper, to yell, to laugh about... So many thoughts. And they're beautiful. They're such great things to have fill my head. But I can't get them out through my mouth, and I don't know why.

Where is that confidence that I have when I'm not thinking about it? As soon as I'm in that situation, it slips away. It's holding my back. My voice is escaping me. My thoughts are getting in the way. And I know that's a step I need to take. I need to free those thoughts. What's the harm? I know from the bottom of my heart I have things to say, and from the confort of my home, my laptop, my cell phone, I can do it. But all of a sudden when I'm right there, ready to just breathe it out... something stops me.

Is it really just confidence? Cause I've good oodles of that in lots of other situations. It's a weird duality that taking up a lot of my time.

Then I had this whole "throat chakra" inspiration. (I'm not sure exactly where I stand with the chakra system. But I do believe in energy. I do believe in important energy places in the body. And I believe in more than I can comprehend, so with that disclaimer, I will continue.)

Here's a simple throat chakra definition:


"The aspects of expressing and receiving. Expressing can be in the form of communicating what one wants and what one feels, or it can be an artistic expression, as an artist painting, a dancer dancing, a musician playing music, using a form for expressing and bringing to the outside what was within. Expressing is related to receiving, as in "Ask, and ye shall receive."

This chakra is associated with listening to one's intuition, which guides one in an optimal flow, in which one sees one's goals manifest, and it seems that the Universe provides all their needs with no effort on their part at all. It's a state of Grace. Abundance, therefore, is associated with this chakra, as is the aspect of unconditional receiving necessary to accept the abundance of the Universe.

This is the first level of consciousness in which one perceives directly another level of Intelligence, and experiences one's interaction with this other Intelligence.

Metaphysically, this chakra is related to creativity, creating, manifesting in the physical world the fulfillment of one's goals."

Kinda sounds like it lines up with my problem, right?
So maybe my body is telling me the next step in my journey is to find my voice. To let it out. And most importantly, to trust it to carry me to the next chapter.